Mr. Microbiology

So, there's this kid in my British Lit. class that I will call "Mr. Microbiology". I call him this because he makes it clear every single day that he's a microbiology major. I'm not too sure how this is possible though because he's at a community college which doesn't offer microbiology as a major. If anything, he's a general sciences major that's just calling himself a microbiology major to make himself sound really smart. But he's not smart. Another thing about Mr. Microbiology is that on two separate occasions he's claimed to be both pre-law AND pre-med. Man, this guy is a genius! One day he mentioned something about wanting to study law, and someone called him out by saying, "Aren't you a biology major?". Then on another occasion he mentioned something about being pre-med. This guy is too smart! Here are some fun examples of his vast intelligence:

1. One day he casually mentioned that he was looking up burial laws because his grandfather was murdered and his family wanted his body exhumed. This is how he told us he was pre-law.... he was looking up burial laws....

2. He is obsessed with Dan Brown, the author of The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. He asked our professor if Dan Brown's writing was a good example of "stream of consciousness" which was started and popularized by authors like James Joyce and William Faulker. A Light in August ain't exactly Angels and Demons, buddy.

3. For our class, after we read a selected author we have to make eLearning posts about what we read. We just have to share our thoughts about whatever it is we had to read. Mr. Microbiology uses these posts to cement in text just how smart he is. One day we had to read a selection from Origin of Species by Charles Darwin. What good luck for us, Mr. Microbiology is here to save the day and explain everything to us. But he doesn't. Because he's MAYBE taken Biology 1101. Since, you know, our college doesn't offer microbiology.. or anything else. Here are some actual quotes from his response... Seriously, I'm not making this up:

"As a Microbiology major, I recognized quite a few of the terms he uses in his work, thus making it easier for me to read."

"Darwin's origin of species almost reads poetically when he describes nature, which going along with our class theme, works out good, (society bad, Nature good)." (Uh... Well.)

"The Origin of species is a really long scientific journal, probably the longest in history, because it is full of nothing but scientific evidence." (Jesus Christ... how observant of you. You were able to recognize that Origin of Species is long).

And the piece de resistance: "As a biology major, I plan to read this book all the way through, its kinda of a must if you get a degree in anything biological."

So now you know I'm really not kidding. This kid is a douche.

So, today some people were talking about how bad their allergies are. Lucky for us we have a pre-med student in our presence!!! However, Mr. Pre-Med thinks that there are two separate doctors for allergies and sinuses. He said, "Yeah it's usually either your allergies or a sinus infection. But like... you go to the allergy doctor and he sends you to the sinus doctor who sends you back to the allergy doctor". Ah yes, the allergy doctor! I must have missed my yearly check-up with him. Pretty sure you can just go to your GP, friend. My God, please do not have peoples' lives in your hands one day. Then, Mr. Microbiology proceeded to tell us that he prefers to mix his own concoctions in a "netty pot" which is this thing that helps clear up your congestion. He enjoys doing this because he loves chemistry!! Of course he does!

I am just glad I have this genius to help me realize how utterly stupid I am. Every day I strive to have the vast knowledge that he has. Ah, to be pre-law AND pre-med... what a fascinating life!